How can what we believe help or hinder us?

Do Your Beliefs Limit or Motivate You?

Hello, dear ones! Those who know me, have heard me speak, or follow me on social media are aware that I always advocate for self-awareness to foster healthier relationships in various aspects of life, whether professional, familial, or romantic, among others. Understanding our psychodynamic and systemic functioning, as well as mental functioning, is extremely important in this process. Today, I will discuss a factor that profoundly influences our behaviors, i.e., a motivation that drives us to act the way we do: our unconscious beliefs.

But how do we know if we have unconscious beliefs? If a negative situation repeatedly occurs in your life, or despite doing everything right, you can't achieve the desired results, it suggests that unconscious beliefs might be driving you. This could be a recurring financial or health issue, if you always have the same type of relationship, speak and position yourself in the same way, struggle to set boundaries, harbor unrealistic expectations about people, crave attention from everyone, fear exposure or displeasing others, for instance.

What exactly are beliefs? Beliefs are judgments and evaluations about ourselves, others, and the world around us, what we believe we deserve, can do, and are capable of; they are permissions and prohibitions for doing what we want. You know that little voice in our head saying things like, "I can't do it, I'm not loved, or I'm not good enough"? That internal dialogue exemplifies limiting beliefs. Conversely, phrases like "I can achieve whatever I need, only the best happens to me, or I learn everything easily" can be classified as empowering beliefs. Do you know your beliefs?

In some way, we are led to believe certain things, which become absolute truths for us, and even when faced with evidence that invalidates them, we insist on defending them. When we believe in something, we tend to behave in ways that are congruent with that belief. Thus, if I believe I'm not good at math, I will behave as if that were true, and consequently, I will not make an effort to learn math and will indeed perform poorly, which will reinforce the belief that "I'm not good at math," creating a vicious cycle.

How do we recognize beliefs? Often, we are so accustomed to these beliefs that we repeat them like mantras. Who hasn't heard or said, "money doesn't bring happiness"? What happens is that if we have such a phrase engraved in our unconscious, even if we do everything to make money, there's an internal conflict between the conscious desire to make money and the unconscious belief that "I want to be happy, so I don't want money." In such cases, even if you work hard and make money, you might unconsciously act in ways to get rid of the money, by getting into debt or spending it all at once, buying things you don't even need. Have you ever acted this way?

These beliefs define our mental model, and it's so valuable to be aware of them and how they were created so that we can validate or deconstruct them, depending on their effect on our emotions and behaviors. Each thought we have triggers a specific emotional state that leads to a particular action; in practice, if I wake up thinking today will be a terrible day, that thought makes me feel discouraged, and when I'm discouraged, I shut down, don't greet people, and lack the energy to perform my tasks, doing only the minimum. At the end of the day, I'll have many pending tasks and will notice that my day was unproductive. When we look at the results we're getting and trace the path that led to them, we can better understand ourselves and change some of these steps to achieve a different outcome. Does that make sense to you?

A belief can be so strong that it creates a neural pathway in the brain, causing the person to react in the same way to a given event, even if they want to do differently. Thus, there's a predisposition to act in that way every time they face a situation that triggers the emotional load activating this circuit. Thus, we can also identify our beliefs when we discover our emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is anything that destabilizes you, whether words, events, or attitudes. Do you know how you destabilize? Where do you go that makes you feel closed off or inferior? What word are you called that makes you lose control? What does someone need to do to drive you over the edge?

But how are beliefs created? They arise from experiences and the interpretations we give to emotionally significant events that happen to us, especially during childhood. Here it's necessary to understand two factors about perception: the first is that our perception of reality is more important than the fact itself, as the same event can be interpreted and described in completely different ways by various people who observed it, and it is from our interpretation that we give meaning to the event.

The second factor involves the difference in perception of reality by adults and children, which occurs because reason and consciousness are formed until approximately the age of 10. Before this age, our rational side has no filter, and we have few internal references, so the influence of the unconscious prevails. The child cannot make a correct assessment, lacks sufficient knowledge and discernment of the senses, i.e., lacks resources to perceive reality broadly. In this context, the child might generalize, interpret independent actions as if they were targeted at them, for example: they might think, "my father didn't pay attention to me because he was watching football, which means I'm not worthy."

Children cannot separate their actions from themselves, so they react to an approval of their action as if it were an approval of themselves, i.e., if praised by their parents, they might think they are loved, capable, and good enough. Similarly, they react to a punishment as if they were being disapproved of, for example, if they break a glass and their mother says they are stupid, they might interpret, "I'm good for nothing, I don't deserve anything good in life, I can't do anything right." And if a few days later they continue to hear this from different people, from their father, a colleague, or teacher, this thought is reinforced and can become a belief. This belief might cause them in the future to choose a simple job that doesn't demand much from them, since they believe, "I can't do anything right." Can you see how a belief can interfere with the choices we make in life?

Most beliefs that motivate our behaviors are the result of childish interpretations, events from the past that might not even have occurred, i.e., the result of an imagination that was repeated so many times that it became a memory. Thus, we need to reflect: does it make sense to cling to and continue believing in beliefs that cause us suffering and hinder us from achieving our dreams?